One night a gentleman named Leander was walking home from a bar. Between the bar and his house stood a very old cemetery, with big above-ground tombs much like the ones in New Orleans, and it was over a block wide. He usually didn’t mind the extra walking he had to do to go around it, but tonight, he had had a little too much to drink. “I really need to find a bar that’s more convenient,” he thought as he came upon the cemetery. Even though the gates were closed after sundown, they were never locked. Leander wasn’t a suspicious guy but there was a saying that his grandmother used to always tell him -- “Ghosts don’t bother honest people, but it’s still safer to go around the graveyard.”
Cemetery Photo by: Alexandria. Source: Pixabay.
Leander was an honest man he thought. He was raised by a good family, he was smart, had graduated from college, and was an honest, hard worker. Again, he wasn’t a suspicious person, but he still avoided going through the cemetery...period. Against his better judgement, this night he decided to go through the cemetery anyway. About half-way through, he started feeling like someone was watching him. He quickened his steps as he looked over his shoulders. He couldn’t see anyone, but it didn’t stop the feeling that someone was watching him.
About three-quarters of the way through the cemetery, he started hearing footsteps. They were faint, but he could hear them in the echo against the tombs. Every now and then he would hear a shuffle, a stone being kicked, the crunch of a leaf. The faster he walked, the faster the footsteps became. He was making his last turn before coming to the gate that would lead to his house. As he rounded the corner he saw a shadow retreat between the mausoleums. He was now positive that someone was following him. He was scared, but he stopped anyway.
"Who's there?" he said out loud as he turned around looking in every direction.
When he received no answer, he asked again, but louder. He was getting ready to start walking again when the shadow that he saw retreat now emerged into the pathway. The figure was still in the shadows of the tombs, but he could make out the height. It was a short figure, he thought, maybe a woman.
"Who's there?" he said out loud as he turned around looking in every direction.
When he received no answer, he asked again, but louder. He was getting ready to start walking again when the shadow that he saw retreat now emerged into the pathway. The figure was still in the shadows of the tombs, but he could make out the height. It was a short figure, he thought, maybe a woman.
What would a woman be doing in a cemetery by herself, at night? He had no idea, but he was anxious to find out.
"What is your name?" he called out as she began walking out of the shadows.
"Nancy," she said softly.
As he walked forward to meet her, he noticed that she had a glow about her that would appear if he looked at her for too long, but that would disappear when he blinked. Even though she was now in front of him, he still felt like someone was watching him. As they finally met, she told him that she was there to protect him and that he was an honest person, but that some things in his past could be manipulated by the ghosts so that they could achieve their goals. He decided he knew enough to know what their goals were and wanted to get the hell out of there fast. He and Nancy walked to the gate and she told him he would be safe as soon as he was out. Leander thanked her and turned around to walk out. He looked back to ask if she was coming, but when he turned around, she was no longer there.
"What is your name?" he called out as she began walking out of the shadows.
"Nancy," she said softly.
As he walked forward to meet her, he noticed that she had a glow about her that would appear if he looked at her for too long, but that would disappear when he blinked. Even though she was now in front of him, he still felt like someone was watching him. As they finally met, she told him that she was there to protect him and that he was an honest person, but that some things in his past could be manipulated by the ghosts so that they could achieve their goals. He decided he knew enough to know what their goals were and wanted to get the hell out of there fast. He and Nancy walked to the gate and she told him he would be safe as soon as he was out. Leander thanked her and turned around to walk out. He looked back to ask if she was coming, but when he turned around, she was no longer there.
A Slave Cabin in Barbour County Near Eufaula. Source: Library of Congress.
Author's Note: This story is based on the proverb "Ha'nts don't bodder longer hones' folks, but you better go 'roun' de grave-yard" from the Plantation Proverbs story that is in the Brer Rabbit I unit. To me that translates to: “Ghosts won’t bother honest people. You might think you are an honest person, but just in case, you might want to avoid the graveyard.” I am from Georgia and so writing this story was really fun. I thought since it was rooted in southern culture that I would make it really personal so I decided to name some of the characters after family members. The main character's name is the name of my 6th great-grandfather who was a slave that bought his freedom during the late 1700's in South Carolina. The name of the woman he meets in the cemetery was his wife's name. I thought this would be a great proverb to tell a story about since it had such a spooky flavor to it and included one of my most favorite parts of the south, the graveyard. Southern people are also very superstitious, so the whole proverbs section sounded very familiar to me. In the south, we have little sayings about every kind of situation.
Bibliography: Uncle Remus: His Songs and His Sayings by Joel Chandler Harris (1881).
It's SO incredibly cool that you brought your own family history into this story! What a great idea. It makes the story so much more relatable and significant in a more profound way. I actually lived in South Carolina for awhile when I was younger and can definitely vouch for the superstition, especially in the historical places of Charleston and Colombia. I also think the way you build up some suspense is really good and captures the reader.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother is the one that is from South Carolina and she grew up in Aiken. She moved to Macon, GA and that is where I was born and raised.
DeleteI love how you wrote this story! The introduction is funny and imaginative, but the rest of the story is just downright spooky! I was nervous for Leander the entire time he was walking through that graveyard. I really love how you incorporated your family history into the story, too. Your style is very engaging and fun to read!
ReplyDeleteI thought it was very cool how you included family history into the story you have written. As I first began reading I thought I was in for a humorous story but it got pretty spooky quick. I thought you did a really good job on your paragraph selection. Every paragraph has a major event within it and makes it very easy for the reader to follow.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest possibly adding another paragraph or just a line or two describing the look of the cemetery itself. You do mention some major structures within it during the story but at the beginning you could mention how it Leander viewed it himself (especially at night).
I was very impressed at how spooky the story got in such a short story. I am writing this sitting in a computer lab by myself and its got me looking over my shoulder every once in awhile now. I think you did this by tapping into what I feel like everyone has experienced before: walking alone at night in a somewhat scary or deserted place. Great story!
Thanks! I added a line or two in the beginning to give a little more visual of what the cemetery actually looked like so you could get the setting in your head. I saw it that way in MY head and just assumed everyone else would too LOL
DeleteI think you did a great job rewriting this story. The way that you chose to use the names of some of your family members is a really good way to add a personal touch to the story, and I think that was a great idea. The way you described the footsteps and the feeling that someone was following Leander really gave the story a creepy vibe. Your story is also organized very well, giving it a good flow and making it easy to read. I think you could have added a few more details about Nancy to give her a little more personality, but you did a good with Leander. I am glad you decided to talk about the character names and your southern background in the author’s note, as it explains a lot about the reasoning for you choosing this story. Overall, I think you did a great job.
ReplyDeleteI will look at it again and see if I can add a little more character to Nancy...thanks for the advice!
DeleteHey Nicole! So I love that you were able to put some of your own family history into this tale, making it more personable. I also like that you chose to write a story based not off of another story, but instead off of a proverb--this gives you a lot more creative license, and as such can be much more difficult to do.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story, especially the intro and development leading up to the encounter with Nancy. You have a really heightened sense of drama and horror, and do a great job of building suspense with the footsteps and noises and the sense of someone following Leander. However, after all of this fantastic development, you ended your story a bit abruptly, which is something you might want to work on. It's not that your ending was in any way insufficient, it was just that the abruptness of it kind of detracted from the earlier horror feel of the story. Overall, though, fantastic work! I truly enjoyed your story!
I will look at the ending again and see if maybe I can add a little more :) Thanks for the advice!
DeleteHello Nicole. I think you have done a good job with this story. I am not familiar with the original so your version is my first dealings with the subject matter. I think one of the strengths of your piece is that it feels extremely original. This is a good thing because it opened the door for me to be interested not only in the original but also the entire folklore. Your story seemed to capture the lesson of the original, but it did not feel like an old story at all, so good job on being able to update the language and create this story while at the same time remaining true the original. Also this seemed like an pretty polished piece of work, as I didn’t find any errors as far as grammar is concerned, so good job on the editing. Only suggestion would be to change the picture of the story, this is a bit of an update version and there is a original picture right above the author’s notes, but because it is an older picture there was a bit of a lack of connection to the two picture.
ReplyDeleteI see what you are saying about the pictures. I'll give them another look. Thanks!
DeleteHello Nicole! Including family history into this story makes it so lively and personal, so I love the way you wrote this story. I'm glad you included it in your storybook. The first thing that caught my attention was the title of the story. After this, the first paragraph of the story and the quote really caught my interest. I thought it was great! I think the language you included and your writing style was perfect for how you told this story. I really learned a lot about your intent and goals through your author's note; this helped me in better understanding the story. But I thought it was great!
ReplyDeleteThe editing looks great, as does the overall writing style. The only thing I saw was that it seemed to end a little abruptly. But other than that, I think it was a really good story. I look forward to reading more from you in the future in your portfolio!
Thanks! Someone else mentioned that ending too...I'm going to revisit that and see if I can add a little more :)
DeleteWow, you definitely did a good job of writing a spooky ghost story. Maybe it is just because I am looking at this after sundown, and it's quiet in my apartment, but I think I might stay by my computer light a little longer. Anyways, you really made a very original, creative story from the original Brer Rabbit Proverbs. I read all of those stories and proverbs a couple of weeks ago, so I already had an idea of the proverb. One thing I would note is that in the story you said "suspicious" twice, but I feel like superstitious might fit in those spots a little better.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually comment on author's notes, but I thought yours was actually really interesting. That is cool that you included a lot of personal stuff in your story. A lot of my storytellings are influenced by my two cats (okay all of my stories are influenced by my two cats).
Nicole! Your portfolio looks great so far, and I love seeing everyone's develop so nicely. I liked this story a lot because my storybook is all about rabbits, so Brer Rabbit is close to my heart! I think one of my favorite parts of the story is actually the Author's note. I really thought all of the background really enriches the story. The way you walk the reader through your thought process truly allows me to follow your thoughts and adds to the content. Not to mention the fact that you brought family history into this! That is such a fun way to make your writing more enjoyable- both for you writing it and the reader reading it! The only comments I have as far as things you might could improve is the continuity of the text. The fonts and color of the fonts (one section is lighter gray) change throughout the story, and it would make it flow better to make them identical! Great job, Nicole!
ReplyDeleteNicole, first I will say that your author's note is interesting. I like how you related the story to you by using family member names. Also, I am from South Carolina (Clemson actually) so that was immediately interesting.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I liked that you compared the graveyard to those that reside in New Orleans. This almost instantly gave the story a creepy feel. The overall tone of the story was very well done in that it is creepy. How the footsteps increase as he increases pace was very well done. I also like how there was a twist in that the ghost girl was actually trying to protect him from the other evil ghosts. Great job with your story!
ReplyDeleteHey there again, Nicole! This story kept me on the edge of my feet while Leander walked through the cemetery and began to be followed. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen until I was relieved by the fact that the woman/ghost was there to protect him since he was an honest man. I noticed there were some grammatical things you could look over that might help. In the second paragraph, I noticed that the first sentence could be re-written to flow better. You could maybe change it to say “Leander thought he himself was an honest man,” or something along those lines. Then I get confused because you say he is honest in the second sentence. So does that mean he is known that he is an honest man? If so, maybe the sentence before isn’t necessary since you are describing all the good attributes about Leander. Other than those miniscule things, the story you wrote was great! Good Job!